King's Gardens

Repost from january 2005 from erotique series

2009-07-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

Evening.
I looked into her eyes, holding her chin in my hand tilting her head slightly. Her gaze flickered back and forth as she tried to read something, but I kept my eyes steady, blank. She started to pull away so I shook my head slightly, just enough that she saw the movement and froze. Her hands fluttered uselessly for a second until she took a firm grip on the sides of her nightgown and twisted the fabric up holding her hands in place. I lowered my hand from her chin, running the edge of my thumb across the ridge of her lower lip in barely a whisper of touch as I pulled my hand away. Her pupils dilated slightly and she took a deep slow breath in. She was dressed in a cream silk gown that rode a few inches above her knees and draped over her shoulders on straps that were mere threads. It had no lace or pearls adornment, but needed none, it flowed over her hips and breasts smoothly; peaked slightly at her stiffening nipples. She swayed slightly as I examined her, drank her in with my eyes. Her hands twisted the fabric as she tried not to move and I furrowed my brow slightly, a mere narrowing of my eyes. It was enough to see however and she instantly let her hands go limp. I looked at the crumpled silk then up to her eyes, letting her see my disappointment. Her eyes widened minutely and glistened, slightly moist. I reached forward and smoothed my hand over the rumples aware that she held her breath as I touched her. Her skin was like fire under the cool silk, but I forced myself to stop once the worst of the wrinkles had disappeared. I lifted a finger to her lips which parted a little perhaps expectantly, but merely traced their outline gently, letting her know she was forgiven. I walked around behind her, she held motionless staring at where I had just been. From behind the sweep of her shoulders accentuated the full curve of her hips. I gently pulled her hair back to fall evenly down her center. I raked my fingernails across her scalp lightly, she shuddered lightly, but when she closed her eyes I stopped my hands instantly. Her eyes popped open and her head started in surprise, she had forgotten herself for a moment and been caught. I removed my hands from her and stepped back, letting my heels clunk loudly on the floor so she could hear my leaving. It seemed cruel to leave her then, seemed crueler to myself when I so wanted to touch her, make love to her. I stood 3 paces behind her watching her shoulders slump then, a slight shiver went through her body as she didn't hear my footsteps recede even farther. I watched every part of her I could; drinking in the vision of her. We stood like that for quite a few minutes before her head twitched slightly, she wanted to see if I was still there. She knew I might be behind her watching, but the low music from the stereo was drowning out my low breathing. I stepped close to her, not touching, gently so as to not make any noise I stepped closer and closer, holding my breath. I stood behind her like a shadow, not moving. I could feel the heat from her body through the space between us. She obviously could too as she leaned backwards against me. She brought her arms over her head and wrapped them around my head pulling me tight against her. I slid my own arms around her middle. "Was that all you could take?" I whispered. "Yes." her voice was thick with desire. "This time." I whispered even more gently and nipped her earlobe with my teeth. She shivered slightly and I bent down and took her legs sweeping her up into the cradle of my arms.

bad drunken poem, though it does rhyme somewhat

2007-09-26T17:44:00.001-07:00

Let me hear your voice ringing deep down in my core.
Something of your voice touches places ne'er seen before.
Let me feel the tickle of your laughter in my pants some more.

God I'm sucha pervert but I can't stop thinking of,
places that I would like to have lubricated latex glove
When we are together I see the heights of heaven above.

Never let it be said that I'm an unfulfilled whore
I like sex, I like porn, bet you couldn't tell before.
let me touch you in some place that makes you cry out more.

Then you'll see the real me all wrapped up in latex wow!
Like a giant dildo, ready to get up in your privates now!
I'll make you scream, make you shout this poem sucks, and how..

DMB

2007-09-11T21:11:00.000-07:00

DMB, dmb, Dave Mathews Band,
You suck!!!
I wasn't your greatest fan, but after watching your At&t commercial, you can now file me in the "will probably not piss on you if I saw you on fire category, although I might try to fart on you(that would be cool!!)).
Seriously College versus college text messaging!?
Tokay, George.. Lets find out which college campus is not AT&T saturated enough so we can sculpt next years ad-campaign. DMB, you cop-outs, you sell-outs..
Honestly I think the worst part of this is, that as a band you still probably make more money than 80% of the population. Yet you feel financially deficient enough to make a deal and get in bed with the global conglomerate AT&T ..
I guess I-phone sales must have been down..
I know the reason I never got one was AT&T.
Now I can say the same for the question: How come you didn't but the Dave Mathews Band cd?

A year later.

2006-11-14T07:39:00.000-08:00

It took a year to get this blog back online. So many things have changed, and lucky for any readers it's well documented on other blogs.. I'm fond of this one, so I will continue here.
How do you know if you're clinically depressed? Recently my own thoughts have been disturbing to me, and at least twice I can recall having vivid imaginings of seeking psychiatric help, what I would say ask of them, possible remedies to my condition... Anyway cries for help? From myself? Well I guess this blog makes three officially. I feel safer of course having this blog dormant for over a year. One birthday to another really. Hopefully anyone who knows me has stopped checking. If not, could this be cry for help # four? I am just so unhappy sometimes I stop and say to myself.."Where is this coming from?" I can't locate a physical cause, yet I get so pent up and angry for no reason.. Slam cupboard doors if my coffee cup is on the wrong shelf, even when I put it there. Then there's the outbursts of definitely unmanly emotion. During too happy movies, or, of course) sad movies, I get weepy, tear up and choke back my big womanly sobs.. Or at least that's what I feel like. Even TV serials can tug at these phantom heartstrings once in a while.. Ever cried at an episode of Angel? Or Scrubs? I have, and it's not pretty watching the fat bald guy cry.. This year I have broken a foot, and put on 25 pounds. I have sprained my back (very recently) thus the restart of the writing. Still going to work though. They don;t have much for me to do with the restrictions I have, but it's still better than letting me sit home and recuperate.. Anyway the self pity in this entry is starting to gag me. Cry for help number five.. Still counting and wondering.. Anyone know the signs of clinical depression? Can I self diagnose and treat said depression?

Back from beyond

2005-10-30T15:52:00.000-08:00

So I have recovered use of the internet.
I am now of the Blue collar working class having given up my desk for the pleasure of toil, sweat, and a new respect for myself as a man. I had doubts about being able to handle such intense manual labor, though myself a little too softened by the years I sat bound to a desk (not for pleasure unfortunately) My body has changed drastically in response to my new regime. I have lost close to 25 pounds, and also lost 4 waist sizes. Odd how large I must have been but never noticed. now I work regular 12 hour days 5 or even 6 times a week, and find little time to myslef where I'm not eating or sleeping.
I'm really enjoying my new life, I have more money than I've ever had, though I still waste it as readily as I did before. I'm feeling healthy, happy, and even if I don't have much time off right now I enjoy that time off more, as I no longer have to deny myself the small pleasures I did when I was working a lot less. I miss writing though, which is of course what prompted me to get back onto my blog which surprisingly after almost 6 months of inactivity is still here. I'm going back to finish my story now, because despite the happiness I feel now I know I am not going to be able to do this forever. I already have days where my back feels like I've been kicked, and I'm pretty sure that's only going to get worse with age.
Welcome back Goodkingalan, Welcome back dreams of creation and the fantasy that lurk behind my everyday life. i will trap you with my pen, and if failing then my keypad...

Almost...

2005-04-13T10:48:00.001-07:00

There's like a feeding frenzy here at work today- there's a birthday in the office and everone brought something for a little party, only thing is someone decided they would make sure they could have lunch so they all brought a dish and a desert. I brought a dozen donuts shaped like pretzels (because they were cheap)

Anyway we have 13 people who are in this dept since they combined Operations, A.R, and A/p. We have enough food for about 35 people. There is a steady line of people with little bitty plates stacked in ginormous piles marching in and out of the breakroom- The very air smells like garlic chocolate chip cookies and barbeque. The smacking crunching slurping sounds of 10 bovine representative individuals is like a wet humming noise in the air.

I for one just don't feel hungry.. But I thought I would share.

I am anxiously awaiting a call today from my new job, what could be my new job anyway. I did my final interview last night and teh guy said he would give the go ahead, but I should still act surprised when they offered it to me. It is now 12 noon and she has not called me yet. I'm usually more patient than this but this time I will actually be doubling my salary. Double. Wow. Can't even imagine.

It's a totally different line of work with a guaranteed raise every year until 2007 and we renegotiate the contract. Thanks to a very kind recomendation from my very excellent cousin I will be getting this job. If she calls.

I've had 4 interviews 3 tests 2 tours of the new workplace. I've met my future supervisor, a different supervisor, the Production manager, and the Hr director. I put in an application on Monday of last week and not counting the weekend so far today is the first day I have not heard from or talked to someone at the company. It is only noon of course, but I'm impatient.

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untitled

2005-04-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

I for one just don't feel hungry.. But I thought I would share.

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sigh

2005-03-31T13:51:00.000-08:00

I think my landlord is planning on making us move out. I guess one of the downfalls of renting from a guy instead of a company. A company would let us live there as long as we wanted, provided of course we paid our rent and didn't disturb anyone. My landlord on the other hand I think is under some pressure to give our apartment to his grand-daughter, a recent high school grad and slightly snotty little bitch. She's been unhappy we moved in there from the beginning. More than that I just feel paranoid and having him lurking around is making me uneasy. Everything lately has been skirting the edges of the maelstrom and I'm just waiting for that one stray breeze or odd wave to push us over the edge. I need FW to start working again, and she knows it. She feels terrible she's been out so long, I
don't really want her to go back to work, but we need the money now more than we need our health I guess. I'm going to try to get a night job, difficult with the long hours I work, at least on those 4 days I work my regular job. My littlest sister is getting married in a month and a half. It was set for fall but has been pushed forward due to pregnancy, probably the number one reason for proposal in my entire family. My older brother is the only sibling to marry without someone being pregnant. The quick wedding is a little difficult for me right now, basically having no money or prospects for getting any is going to mean another bus trip to NJ, sleeping on someone's floor, bumming rides around town. This time is difficult my best buddy in NJ is leaving for Boot camp the day before the wedding, so I don't really have anywhere to stay. My brother whose sharing a house with my
mother would be my other choice (back when he had his own apt) but I haven't spent the night in my mothers house since she tossed me out as a teenager. We get along great, now. But even if FW doesn't understand I just feel weird asking to stay there. Oh well just feeling the weight of my world these past couple days. I need to stay busy, depression lurks around every corner, and I feel the grayness crowding in. More coffee is called for, then less time sitting up at night contemplating my life.

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Rambling

2005-03-29T12:28:00.000-08:00

I was fighting to survive the bad choices I'd made earlier in life. My childhood sins came back to haunt me and I wasn't savvy enough to have a plan to avoid the repercussions. It was easier before I'd let some roots grow- no cares or worries. The dark clouds that chased me, creditors and heartbroken friends kept pace but couldn't overtake me, my eyes were always to the horizon, the next great adventure. Then a woman came into my life I couldn't shake free of, didn't want to honestly. She was as wild as I was and we partied and played the nights away, working this job and that just making it, but not really caring. Soon enough though we both started making more money, we had better hours and nicer things. True we spent the money as fast as it came in, but now we bought things for "the house" mementos of our lives together that collected dust and drew eyes from our guests until we
tired of them and tossed them out to replace it with other designs and artworks. The money was worse than most of the drugs we played with, there never seemed to be enough of it, and even though I was making twice what I'd started at I never had any extra, was always scraping bottom by the time the next check came along. I went looking for better jobs, opportunities, promotions, and I found them, I was working pretty hard though and It was taking a toll. I started enjoying sitting home nights, just watching old movies and swilling martinis. She was happy with that, unknown to me the seeds of domesticity had taken root in the desires of her heart, she only was waiting for me to catch up. She didn't want me to freak out when I realized how deep I was in to the domestic world so she followed along encouraging hobbies or activities that kept us together. We started going to farmers markets
on weekends and then to other festivals and events in the summer. I thought it was all good though, we drank beer and stumbled through the streets listening to bands laughing at the world. Ducked into back alleys to get a little high with our friends then giggled madly after we'd pulled the best sober impersonation in front of the passing officers. In truth though I was being saturated in healthy family activity, all around us fathers and wives towed smiling children around goggling at the sights and smells. We smiled at the cute ones, laughed at their antics, rolled our eyes at their tantrums.

Now I had a future, where before I'd always just floated there were goals on the horizons. I wanted to own my own house, I wanted a garage and a private room to work on my creations. Now those clouds were looming pretty heavy on me- I wasn't running from them anymore and they smirked at my hopes to have any sort of normal life now. No house for you they giggled into my ear. Snakelike whispers no new cars, you have bad credit. You have debt, you can't get out from under us.

Frustrated at each turn I had to give up my dreams, started playing the lottery and spent any free time dreaming of what I could do with the riches. The martinis grew more frequent, I had bills to pay and work to do, I had no time to play, no time to create. My free time was spent drinking and ignoring the crumbling shell I'd built around my happy carefree self. She and I fought now- screaming arguments about money, or things she or I'd bought. She thought I drank too much- I thought she lived a little too easy in the shelter I'd earned for us. I carried the burdens of my choices from youth and though she had never made those choices she was living with them, whether I recognized it or not. We struggle on though- it doesn't seem as fun now, but we've crossed the first hurdle of "big trouble" we stayed together through the crunch, the fights and recriminations. We have understanding
now, even if that doesn't put food on the table, when we're hungry we can hang onto each other, sate other types of hunger. Share our dreams of house and freedom, share our memories of the wild things we'd done less than 10 years ago and marvel at how fast we'd changed. But now I'm restless, unhappy with the path I've taken. The promotions and job hunting has landed me in a dead end no future job. Something that no college or formal education has led me too. Another thing that I can't go back and fix. It seems odd but all I seem to face anymore are consequences. I think anything new that comes along is tagged early by some action or inaction of mine and becomes indistinguishable from everything else.

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Starting another week

2005-03-20T00:44:00.000-08:00

Wow, looks like I'm not laid off- but the month is still young. I guess we'll have to wait and see. Damn the man!

I spent almost the entire weekend in the hospital visiting my uncle & family-

One of my grandfathers brother, my favorite great uncle, finally succumbed to cancer and is in a hospice wing of the small town hospital. It's really messed up- he's been a farmer since the 50's raising chickens and then cows then hybrid corn and soybeans. Seems that all those years of being out in the sun have cost him- he has melanoma (skin cancer) but it's in his liver 5 or six large tumors that are literally eating him alive. I love that old cranky man, but kept a brave face on when I first heard he was taken to the hospital- he'd been unable to move or speak for a few hours and his wife wasn't able to get any response from him- He was in and out of conscious while we sat in the small room the hospital provided for gtreiving families next to the "Death Room" or "Hospice Care and Grieving family suite". Every time though that he was aware he still knew who was in the room. He told me

"wisht I was sitting out there" he's funny.

It's a long running joke between us- for years every time I see him (almost every weekend I live about 5 miles away) he'd say "Wisht I was young like you" then he'd poke fun at me or FW for a little while- maybe show me a new clock he'd been working on. No matter how late you stayed he'd always say "You don't have to run off" Funny growing up when I was much younger he's always say the same thing to everyone who stopped by- only back in the day he'd say "let me get this done then we can talk for real" and he'd go on with his chores whether it was milking or haying and when he got done, usually pretty late, he'd be ready to talk the night away regardless of him needing to be awake again at 4 or 5 the next morning to do it again.

He's only got a few more days to live- he's had nothing more than a few sips of broth or water over the last 2 weeks, his fall has been so fast, so much faster than even the doctor anticipated, but to see such a strong, hard working, lovable guy like that brought so low it seems like it's stretching on forever, all we can do is hope he can go ahead and let go of his body- but that stubborn old man just won't. My grandfather was the same- they both just fought too hard their whole lives, and when cancer took them both they just didn't know how to lie down and just give in.

I guess this isn't the best way to start the day, but I'm realizing this is the first time I've been alone to think in days.

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Another off-the network e-mail

2005-03-17T09:56:00.000-08:00

More interesting yet puzzling developements at the office-

We have a rather large customer that purchases regularly 10 items from us. We were recently underbid by a different company for 3 of those items, these items earned us more than 100k in the last half of last year alone. The remaining items only earn us roughly 10k to 15k per quarter. So we still are earning 40k to 60k a year from their sales alone. But when they told us that we had lost the bid for those 3 items someone in our (much smaller) sales department increased the cost of the remaining 7 items by 15 to 20%???!

I realize I am not one of our salesman, i don't even talk to purchasing agents on a regular basis, and yes it makes sense to try recoop some of the business we are no longer getting by adjusting our prices, but.....

Who the hell is running this? All previous theories aside, does this help us increase our profits? This doesn't even sound like they're trying to whittle us down to make us a division of another company because they're purposely alienating large purchase customers. This isn't the first one either, someone else in my department had heard from a very disturbed customer whose pricing had gone up a significant percent between orders- with no discussion at all, only he was returning all of it and never speaking to our company again.

I just don't get it.

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Off the network e-mail

2005-03-08T06:52:00.000-08:00

I had to send you a message off our e-mail server- incase "they" are watching- Yesterday (while I was out) the president of our company issued a memo first thing in the morning chopping our sales department in half- his hit list also included our facilities manager- several of our merchandising- purchasing dept and a couple position in our HR dept. not all the people on his list were fired however. Some of the people in merchandising will be allowed to apply for their jobs. I don't know if I'd want to. Everyone else except our facilities manager was escorted out of the building as soon as they got in. The president continues his practice of sitting with each department for a week or so- taking notes quietly- his mind churning. No lucky guesses needed as to which departments he's sat with yet (customer service, inside sales, facilities) unfortunately he still has not come
near accounting, or accounts receivable, but then again he needs us, or we hope he does- the question now is how many of us does he need now?

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dry spell

2005-03-07T10:01:00.000-08:00

Thank all of you for wondering where I was.. Unfortunately for me m Bosses in their infinite wisdom have deemed my own blogs as innapropriate material for the workplace, It seems to many people could come read something offensive over my shoulder and be uncomfortable.. bastards- so I have been given an executive warning, they will fire me if this innapropriate material continues- so I was forced to desist.. Unfortunately this is far too addicting so I had to set up my cpu at home and now I can e-mail my posts in and then read while away from work. I suppose I can understand their concern over the amount of time I might have spent online reading when I should have been working, but honestly- If my numbers were good ( which they were) they should leave well enough alone.

Bastardos....

Antisocial behavior.

2005-02-02T06:10:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at lunch, by myself reading a book. The lady that used to be my boss sits down and asks "What are you reading?"I have several problems with this. Number 1 obviously I am reading and will have to stop to answer her question. Number 2 if she is an avid reader and thinks there's an off chance I am reading a book she's read before and therefore can be related to she should know better than to interrupt Me while I'm reading. Number 3 If she's not an avid reader what chance is there that possibly she's ever heard of the book I'm reading. Ok obviously I don't like to be bothered when I'm reading, I was under the impression that most people don't, except maybe for a portion of the population that reads only because they have absolutely nothing better to do and are just killing time. So my next problem is the next day I'm walking to lunch and pass by the same lady in the hallway "That's a different book from yesterday, isn't it" Astounding! What a sharp mind to deduce that because the book is no longer a large blue hardcover book without a dustjacket, and is now a small paperback with a white cover. But I just say "yes, it is.": and continue trying to get to the cafeteria where I can enjoy this "New" book, but nosy lady is not to be denied. "Did you finish that other book?" now I want to just say yes and end this conversation, maybe knock her down as I pass by, a swift elbow to the windpipe to ensure a future without questions from her, but to be perverse I say "No, I like to read part of a different book every day, so I don't get bored." The look on her face was priceless I probably should have smiled or something to indicate I was joking but I didn't, and she hasn't asked me about books again. Another antisocial reaction accomplished. Yay!That reminds me of a favorite episode which also happened at work. This guy from sales came up to me and another coworker and started to talk about the upcoming Brett Favre day thing this state had. We weren't talking about sports, but two guys standing together is enough cause to bring up anything sports related. He says "What do you think of this Brett Favre day?" I say "I think it's stupid, who cares who found the damn beans, and they taste like hell anyway." I stomped off to my cubicle, my coworker waited a few stunned seconds before he got the joke and busted out laughing. The other guy won't even acknowledge me in the hallway anymore. He must feel I made a joke at his expense, or else he's just not comfortable trying to talk to other men about something that is not sports related. At least he got the message.

Sickness

2005-01-27T05:14:00.000-08:00

When i was a child I used to get very sick at least once a year. I mean sick as in 104 temp and convulsions on the floor ill. This continued up until I was in my low twenties then seemed to stop. It's actually happened twice since I've been with FW and scared her enough that every time I get a little sick she starts walking around holding the phone a squirt bottle and periodically checking my eyes for glazing.
The first time around FW was the worst, it was the first time I'd been ill around her and she unfortunately was not prepared for a man who doesn't like being babied or fussed over when he's sick. I was just plain mean, she informed me later. I curled up in a ball under a blanket and everytime she came near me I growled like an injured dog. When My fever started raging she started really worrying because I was half asleep and was yelling random things and when she tried to check on me I patted her cheek smiled at her and called her a "sweet child"
She called my mother first (the nurse) which is probably good, because she was thinking of calling the paramedics, that might have been overkill. My mother told her I needed to be in a lukewarm shower, not cold but cooler than me until I calmed down and began to act rationally, and my eyes no longer looked glazed or hazy.
Bless my mother for that one, little FW at 120lbs was supposed to drag my 250 into the shower? So she started gently and I rolled over and ignored her except for my nonsense I was spouting pretty steadily. She tried nagging, begging yelling, but I wasn't budging and I guess my fever was getting worse. I sat up suddenly on the bed a death grip on the sheets swaying and trying not to fall off. I was shouting about the legs falling off the bed and she called my mother again. This time mother could hear my shouts and she started to worry, as a child she'd always had my dad or brothers wrestle me into the shower if I got bad enough. She told FW to get some cold water and bath my head with it until she could bet me to get up and into the bathroom. FW didn't think of a washcloth or a sponge, nope my littel ray of sunshine got a spraybottle filled it full of crushed ice and water and started spraying me in the face. I actually quieted after some spluttering and gasping, she had breached the haze of the fever and I did get up and stand in the shower for quite a while trying not to fall over as she snuck in and gradually shut off the hot water.
The second time i got ill like that she didn't wait for full on nonsensical rantings when I was lying in bed half asleep feverish and mumbling hse started squirting me in the face again with that damn spray bottle. She wouldn't stop until I got up and took a shower. So aside from being terrified at the thought of getting sick, every time I don't feel well Fw makes me look at her every time she passes by me and checks my eyes for glaziness. (ha)
Yesterday at about 10 I left work feeling a bit ill and getting worse. When she came home and found me there she started the eye thing again. i was in no mood so I locked myself in the bedroom and fell asleep. About two hours later she picked the lock came in and shook me gently trying to feel my forehead to see how feverish I was ( I don't think I was, thank you) She said "You feel kind of hot." I was still mostly asleep and maybe a little out of it because I kind of jumped out of bed, in a monster little temper tantrum, stomped over to the bathroom muttering curses and got in the shower. When I got out I was feeling very clear headed and went into the living room. FW sitting there watching me so I say "Happy now?" I was still a little mad. She just started laughing, tears rolling down her face laughing, slapping the table with one hand holding her stomach in the other gales of laughter. What was so funny? Turns out she had come into the bedroom to tell me my cousin was on the phone and I had jumped up muttering about squirtguns and sleeping and stormed into the bathroom slammed the door and then proceeded to spend over an hour sleeping in the shower leaning against the wall with almost completely cold water running. Damn Alka seltser cold packs quite a wallop.

self inflicted head wounds continued

2005-01-25T14:11:00.000-08:00

When I was 15ish i did it again. We were in the converted basement of my Buddy R, the basement had an average height ceiling with large wood beams every 6-8 feet. For some reason R and E were walking side by side, and since I'm a hyperactive freak I ran up behind them leapt at them putting a hand on each of their shoulders and tried to vault between them. My head hit the beam squarely with a loud thwock and I crumbled to the floor in a puddle. I was not knocked out but my head was ringing so much I couldn't hear them laughing at me for quite some time.
Before then When I was in fourth grade I fell out of a jungle gym flat on my back the back of my head bounced off the ground hard enough I bit through part of my tongue.

Self inflicted head wounds.

2005-01-25T08:46:00.000-08:00

When I was in 6th grade about 10 or 11 my first self inflicted head wound came from a sod cutter. This is a half moon shaped blade at the end of a long handle. One afternoon after too many kung fu movies at my buddy's house I took the sod cutter which to me resembled one of the shaolin great bladed spears. I was doing ok spinning it around slowly, My buddy was waving a pair of bamboo sticks around like swords. I got faster an faster and of course eventually forgot one end was bladed. As I spun it around attempting to spin it from in front of me to over my head I felt a tremendous clunk. I shook my head a little then laughed, my buddy looked at me smiled then his face dropped into what can only be described as terror. He said I looked normal then a line across the side of my head started oozing blood. I reached up and patted my head and my hand came away dripping blood, as I leaned forward the blood rolled down my face and dripped off. I'm not scared of blood, but I was definitely beginning to feel a little woozy as more and more seemed to pour out over my hands. My buddy helped me get my hands in position to hold the cut closed and we walked the 3 blocks back to my house, trying to think of a way to explain this to my mother (the nurse) without getting my ass beat for being stupid. My mother went a little whiter than usual at seeing me injured, but otherwise handled it really well. She got my pal to tell her the truth (wus) and then just looked at me. "You are lucky you didn't cut your ear off." That was all she said. My dad later said "If you're going to be stupid aim lower and cut your whole head off next time, it will hurt less."It didn't seem that bad after I got cleaned up, the cut was about 3 inches long an almost perfect straight line 1/2 inch above my ear. I didn't go in for stitches ,but I did get the side of my head shaved and 4 butterfly bandages to hold my scalp together. The second I was 13 and just starting to grow my hair out and start smoking. On Halloween evening after a few meager attempts to get some free candy my friend and I realized we were too old for that kind of fun. My costume consisted of my leather, a wooden bat and my hair carved into some 1950's do with crisco. It wasn't really anything, I just wanted to wear my leather, and figured with a cool hairstyle I would be seen as having a costume. I had the bat because older boys in the neighborhood liked to jump me, beat the hell out of me, so once I started high school I never went out at night without my bat or my bronze tipped walking stick. We were walking the neighborhood and came upon a local boy who began mouthing off a little, after the verbal sparring boys have so much fun with he grabbed a rock and threw it at me. I lunged towards him but he was a fast runner and took off I just missed grabbing him. If I'd caught him It probably wouldn't have been that bad, we were just screwing around and he was kind of a friend. I forgot of course that I was holding a bat and as I pumped my arms trying to catch up I rammed the end of the bat into my right eye socket. I saw a white flash and left my feet. When I opened my remaining eye, my friend was standing over me looking concerned then laughing as I tried to sit up and kept falling back over. I was so dizzy from the massive blow I had struck myself the kid I was chasing had to come back and help my friend carry me home.

The Picture of Dorian Grey, Oscar Wilde

2005-01-20T11:50:00.000-08:00

I knew who he was, knew the story (sort-of) had the general idea even before league of extraordinary gentleman came out, but today I actually took the time to read it. Well technically I stole the time toread it since that's what I spent the last 2 hours or so doing at work. I love project gutenberg !!
I liked the story itself, it's a devilish idea dealing with all the possible follies of youth and the physical impact moral degradation can stamp onto your features. After a thorough examination of myself in the bathroom mirror compared to the mental picture I have of my face, I can see some signs of my past. The heaviness of my face attests to excesses in booze or food. A few scars and a slightly crooked nose do map out sordid parts of my life so far, but any of these could have been received innocently. Then again I probably would not have got the same scars if I only engaged in innocent behaviors. So all in all i'm probably still too young to really see the stamp my cynicism, or hypocrisy, or contempt has left on my face I wonder if it will show.
Just thinking.

Ok I'm better now.

2005-01-19T15:14:00.000-08:00

I didn't have to kill anybody to feel better, bummer. I think I'll do it anyway. I actually got a cup of earl grey tea and now I feel scads better. Right bosh! and all that. harrumph harraumph..
Then again maybe I was just a little caffiene deprived, or else some chemical in the Bergamot oil(sp?) has rebalanced my see-saw.
I've decided to bite the bullet and start working out in the gym at work, it's free it's here and if I wait for everyone to go home at least all the office people I should be able to get a decent workout. They have a treadmill and a skiing machine along with the weight lifting machine (which probably has some name but I don't know it) I use free weights at home, but I need to explore doing some more aerobic style exercises.
FW says I should drink less after working out (seriously what does that woman have against my martini(s)?)
Why does she think I'm working out? to get in shape to pick up girls? no, she'd probably slice me open in my sleep, I exercise so I can drink more without developing what my family likes to call the "extreme fatness" like huge uncle bernard and aunt loveless the cow impersonator.. Not real names, not even real people. We're just farm people, we eat big, work hard, have big muscles and read scripture every night. Well that's what all mly ancestors did until my mothers generation, first ones to ever move off the farm, explore the cities and offices. What do you think was the first thing they did off the ranch?? Blew up like sexdolls on a gas station air pump..
Unfortunately for older brother who works at a bank, has two kids and hates exercise he will probably never recover, my littlest brother has the same problem, my other brother and me bounce back and forth. Lucky for him he loves lifting weights, he was a football player, now he's a chef and doesn't like to eat just likes to taste everything a lot then skips the meal. I have a few run on sentences, but I don't care. Caffiene seems to be the cure..

Waaah! I'm a big whiny baby today..

2005-01-19T14:08:00.000-08:00

I fell totally in hate with my day today. It's all my horoscopes fault. It told me it's ok to take money from savings to buy something that will last, but I don't have any savings, so whatever way cool thing I was supposed to be able to get that would last forever is out of my reach and my stupid horoscope had to taunt me.
FW is going back to work, that's really good. I worry about her mother though, so far FW has been at her house almost every day doing something for her, and if we don't go over often enough her mother actually will mess up her own television so cable won't come in?? Does this really happen? She's so technically illiterate she can't even figure out what the problem is and just randomly pushes buttons without keeping any sense of what buttons she pushes until I go over to put her TV back on the right channel.
I know she does it on purpose too, but she plays all vague when we go over there. She's barely 70 but acts like she's 90, maybe the three packs of cigarettes a day, maybe she has alzheimers. So when FW goes back to work, will I have to go over there more often, or less? Her mother talked to FW's sister and told her she had no water in her bathroom??? Then she said i worked on her shower and she couldn't use it. her sister called us, we go over there
"What did you say to her?"
"Oh I just meant while you were working on it I couldn't use it." I worked on it for like 5 minutes, i just replaced the shower head with one of those hand held showers. I need more money so we can get someone to watch her or something. Fw's terrified she's getting alzheimers, I don't know what to think. I think I need to go kill someone in my story tonight, that always perks me up..

2005-01-18T12:32:00.000-08:00

Less than 10 years ago I used to teach karate in a small school, I was one of several black belt applicants that worked at the school teaching beginning and amatuer students. Our Sensei had made it a requirement ofd receiving you black belt, and even though in other schools it was not a requirement, the extra work just encouraged us to press on. We were paid on an extremely loose pay schedule that pretty much dwelt on the whim of the sensei, sometimes extremely generous.
Anyway when I was 24ish the problem I have with my back flared up again and I was forced to go under the knife. After a long recovery i never went back to teaching, and sadly never received my black belt. This past weekend my cousin asked me to teach his son. His son used to have lessons in town, but it's too expensive for him to continue, and seeing as how we're family I'll probably go ahead and do it. I'm not in bad shape compared to then though I do have more severe flexibility problems. when I taught almost all my exercise was aerobic, anearobic, whatever, typical gym exercise for fighters, lots of running, jumproping pushups sit ups, now it's all strength and weight training, trying to compensate for the weakness I'll always have in my stomach and lower back from the repeated surgeries.
The last few days I've put myself through some of the exercises I used to do daily and have come to the conclusion that I am way out of shape. It's weird I quit smoking, I lift weights regularly, but i guess neither is enough to battle the weekend beers. So now I thought I'd start running again, after all I used to run a mile at the start of every class i taught which sometime would equal 3-4 miles a day between lessons. Unfortunately yesterday it was 3-5 degrees, today I woke up -5, so I'm missing AZ like mad, mostly because I'm a big fat wus.

What's grosser than gross?

2005-01-13T15:04:00.000-08:00

Standing at a urinal and having a ginormously fat guy come stand next to you. (That's not the gross part yet.)
First off he's fat like someone stuffed a sofa cushion in the front of his shirt, all front body mass. Just look at him and you can picture a family sized tub of chip-dip resting snugly on the swell of his stomach wedged between his man-boobs. (still not gross yet)
He starts panting and making this grunting noise as he tries to hunch over to get to his zipper. He sounds like 5 guys in a porno film and his zipper hasn't even made a sound yet. I'm praying to my own bladder to hurry up before anything else happens but unfortunately I drank 4 22 oz coffees and 2 diet pepsi and I'm stuck here for the long haul (as soon as I thought it I had to write it).
Finally his zipper goes scccrrrtcchcc and after some more contortions he stands up a little bit and he's breathing heavy like he ran a marathon or his johnson weighs like 500 pounds. (still not the gross part yet)
He starts pissing and all I hear is splatter splatter, and I jump back just in time because fat dude is peeing straight down and it's hitting the ground between his feet and spraying all over his shoes pants and the floor.
I almost wish my stomach were a little weaker so I could have commented in the bathroom by hurling on him, but alas I did not. I am supremely glad nothing appears to have touched me, I hope he's embarrassed as a teenager getting caught wacking off to the sears catalog.

Sleeping

2005-01-13T05:40:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 3:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. How messed up. I went to bed at 11 you'd think I'd be able to sleep longer than that. I know what it was too, the two martinis I had last night wore off at exactly 3:30 this morning, and without the effect of alcohol my body was unable to sleep. I'm not really an insomniac because I do sleep every night usually for 4 to 6 hours. If I take a benadryl I can sleep almost 8 hours before my back hurts enough to wake me up.
I dreamed I was standing in front of a policeman on a horse, I was kind of petting the horse- he kept nipping at my hand, but really gently. Then the cop turn away and the horse leaned over and bit me right over my ribs slightly behind my arm. it wouldn't let go and everytime I tried to get the cop's attention I got tears in my eyes and couldn't speak from the pain..

Rediscovering Animal Crackers

2005-01-12T07:48:00.000-08:00

Just got a bag of Animal crackers from the vending machine, and surprisingly I actually feel happier sitting here crunching on them. I took out all the broken pieces and ate them first, then lined up all the unbroken ones in a row and ate the backwards facing ones next, we'll have none of that kind of behavior in my crackers, thank you. In grade school (fifth grade) I was in a musical play called animal crackers. I have no idea what it was about, but I was a rabbit without a speaking part. I did sing several solo songs which I hope justified all the singing and music lessons my dad paid for in forth to ninth grade before I started smoking and ended any chance of an opera career. My mother thought it was adorable, her friends thought it was adorable, my friends laughed at me. My bullies beat the crap out of me. Maybe that's why I stopped eating animal crackers. Stupid crackers. Now I almost don't feel like eating them. But I'm smiling when I say that and I giggle a little as I crunch through the head of a rabbit making grrr noises.

"ooooh!"

2005-01-12T05:50:00.000-08:00

I got my home CPU set up, it's old and slow and I don't have the internet, but finally I can write outside of work. I'm almost useless with a pen an pencil anymore. They're obsolete. I have the technology to write stronger faster.. Or maybe I can finally read what I'm writing. I can write really legibly but only if I print, if I write in script I can't even read it. It's too slow too, once I get onn a roll I can type for hours without pause, but when I write by hand my hand slows me down too much I start having to back up the words in my head to let my pen catch up. It's one of the most frustrating feelings to be rolling on a good idea and have to pause, then try to start again.
Last night I was typing up part 2 to chapter 7 of "This Guy" and FW came up behind me. I don't think she tried to sneak up on me, but she came up behind me and kissed me on the neck. I jumped and yelled, knocking my chair over backwards as I bashed my thighs into the desk, then fell backwards over the chair that was lying behind me, knocked my head against the wall, thankfully not that hard.
FW stood over me her hand halfway to her mouth saying "Ooh." her eyes wide. Then a brief pause before, "Are you on drugs?" she said that completely straight faced. She offered to help me stand up but I waved her away.
"I'm just going to stay here. I'm fine."
She shook her head and went back in the kitchen. Can you guess what I heard next?
"Hee hee snort hee ha ha ha ha."