As I sat on the throne yesterday someone walked into the bathroom and I froze.. It has been a while since I considered why I'm scared of bathrooms, I no longer have a valid reason to be afraid, but it's too physical a reaction to talk myself out of. My whole body freezes up and nothing moves literally. In grade school when I was a very small and tasty target for the local bullies I was warned to avoid bathrooms. Not by friends or by the bullies themselves, but by the principle of our school, here's me, 6th grade, sitting in front of our bloated coke bottle glasses wearing grade school principle Mr. Wagner (funny it's so clear). I have been in another fight which involved me being told to do something by one of the pubescent ghouls, and though terrified and weak at the knees refusing to play along. Always my biggest problem was that I never played along. I wouldn't say uncle, I wouldn't talk back, but I also wouldn't back down, or beg. Just stood there frozen like a rabbit. Eventually the little bastards would hit me push me and there I'd be in the principles office.. Though this had resolved some of the bullies who figured I was OK because I never ratted to the authorities. I was suspended numerous times for fighting when I had never struck another student in all of my days. Digressing...
The Principle... was the one who told me to avoid the bathrooms, also hallways during class change, and getting caught on the back of the bus, not to mention changing for Gym class, going outside for recess, in fact his exact words were to try to stay out of the way of the bullies and always try to keep within certain number of feet of a teacher. Imagine my dismay, being told flat out that I could not be protected by the teachers and faculty of a grade school.
I shrugged it off at the time a slight burning feeling of unfairness, but then, once I did get caught in the locker room, by someone I'd never seen before from 2 grades above me who grabbed me and banged my head into the locker room wall until a crying fellow student brought the gym teacher in. Then I was caught in the bathroom by three antagonists who stood outside the walls to the stall slapping the walls and threatening all sorts of things until I gave in pulled up my pants and walked out to meet them.. To their credit and my horror those three never laid a hand on me. Ever.. I found out later the head of that group felt sorry for me and instead of beating on me decided to just threaten me, that time and every other time he saw me. I was more scared of him than I ever was of anyone else. Even now with a bit of mature understanding I still would have liked to have been beat up rather than terrorized.
I hate bathrooms, locker rooms, any small cement rooms that are secluded for the purpose of giving men privacy to change or defecate, urinate.. Now when I go I have to force myself to make noise when I hear someone come into the bathroom with me. Otherwise I sit there holding my breath sweating from my palms until I hear them leave..