Rambling

I was fighting to survive the bad choices I'd made earlier in life. My childhood sins came back to haunt me and I wasn't savvy enough to have a plan to avoid the repercussions. It was easier before I'd let some roots grow- no cares or worries. The dark clouds that chased me, creditors and heartbroken friends kept pace but couldn't overtake me, my eyes were always to the horizon, the next great adventure. Then a woman came into my life I couldn't shake free of, didn't want to honestly. She was as wild as I was and we partied and played the nights away, working this job and that just making it, but not really caring. Soon enough though we both started making more money, we had better hours and nicer things. True we spent the money as fast as it came in, but now we bought things for "the house" mementos of our lives together that collected dust and drew eyes from our guests until we
tired of them and tossed them out to replace it with other designs and artworks. The money was worse than most of the drugs we played with, there never seemed to be enough of it, and even though I was making twice what I'd started at I never had any extra, was always scraping bottom by the time the next check came along. I went looking for better jobs, opportunities, promotions, and I found them, I was working pretty hard though and It was taking a toll. I started enjoying sitting home nights, just watching old movies and swilling martinis. She was happy with that, unknown to me the seeds of domesticity had taken root in the desires of her heart, she only was waiting for me to catch up. She didn't want me to freak out when I realized how deep I was in to the domestic world so she followed along encouraging hobbies or activities that kept us together. We started going to farmers markets
on weekends and then to other festivals and events in the summer. I thought it was all good though, we drank beer and stumbled through the streets listening to bands laughing at the world. Ducked into back alleys to get a little high with our friends then giggled madly after we'd pulled the best sober impersonation in front of the passing officers. In truth though I was being saturated in healthy family activity, all around us fathers and wives towed smiling children around goggling at the sights and smells. We smiled at the cute ones, laughed at their antics, rolled our eyes at their tantrums.

Now I had a future, where before I'd always just floated there were goals on the horizons. I wanted to own my own house, I wanted a garage and a private room to work on my creations. Now those clouds were looming pretty heavy on me- I wasn't running from them anymore and they smirked at my hopes to have any sort of normal life now. No house for you they giggled into my ear. Snakelike whispers no new cars, you have bad credit. You have debt, you can't get out from under us.

Frustrated at each turn I had to give up my dreams, started playing the lottery and spent any free time dreaming of what I could do with the riches. The martinis grew more frequent, I had bills to pay and work to do, I had no time to play, no time to create. My free time was spent drinking and ignoring the crumbling shell I'd built around my happy carefree self. She and I fought now- screaming arguments about money, or things she or I'd bought. She thought I drank too much- I thought she lived a little too easy in the shelter I'd earned for us. I carried the burdens of my choices from youth and though she had never made those choices she was living with them, whether I recognized it or not. We struggle on though- it doesn't seem as fun now, but we've crossed the first hurdle of "big trouble" we stayed together through the crunch, the fights and recriminations. We have understanding
now, even if that doesn't put food on the table, when we're hungry we can hang onto each other, sate other types of hunger. Share our dreams of house and freedom, share our memories of the wild things we'd done less than 10 years ago and marvel at how fast we'd changed. But now I'm restless, unhappy with the path I've taken. The promotions and job hunting has landed me in a dead end no future job. Something that no college or formal education has led me too. Another thing that I can't go back and fix. It seems odd but all I seem to face anymore are consequences. I think anything new that comes along is tagged early by some action or inaction of mine and becomes indistinguishable from everything else.

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