This is getting me nowhere

Still working on the books, slowly. Drank last night, half a bottle of red wine and barely hung over this morning.  Woke up at 3:30am haven't been able to fall back asleep due to waves of anxiety and depression.  I realized tonight that my father at my age had a house a car and 6 children already.  I wonder why I don't feel older, or more mature.  Maybe it's normal but I still don't feel ready for children.  If men have biological clocks though mines chiming away like mad. I think I really do want to have at least one child, but not yet. I can't until I can make something of myself.  I don't make enough money now, and I really need to focus (Much more than I have been) on getting several of the books I've written published.  Then at least I won't feel like an utter failure. I can convince myself that these first 34 years have just been me learning people, getting to know the world and understand interactions. Ha! Don't think I'll drink again soon.  Can't abide such deeply emotional nights when I'm up and alone.  My mind is sometimes unkind.