Am I too tired to shape myself into an all around person? Why do petty problems seem to nag at you. Last night I was not tired -too much caffeine- pain in my foot- not enough alcohol.. Basic discontent... I lay in bed depressed and angry, staring at the ceiling trying to keep my leg comfortable even though I had it on top of the sheets to keep air on my toe... Gut wrenching sadness, anger, an overwhelming sense that the world was being specifically unfair to me. I finally could not take it any longer, I got up played a game of risk on the CPU got angry enough that some general named Campbell was humiliating me I came close to punching the computer screen. Then miraculously I felt better, I was angry, but all the heaviness and sadness was gone. I lay down in bed and daydreamed of what kind of workshop I would have, and how I would have a dentist replace all my teeth with titanium implants if I won the lottery..Then I fell asleep.

I really have shortened this account to give a general feel for what I went through. I was thinking through the mechanics of several different suicides one minute, never really contemplating them, just imagining the process. Then after a fit of temper (a flash, an explosion) I actually felt content. Happy even, There's almost no explaining it. I wonder if I had won if I would have felt the same..