As August draws to a close I begin to fall into the season melancholy I experience every fall. It is my favorite season with the changing of leaves and bittering of winds. Maybe I just revel in my own depression this time of year. The whole world finally meets my mood, even though the mood is created my the world around me. The rest of the year I'm in almost manic flux, but for the fall months I begin to understand "Exquisite sorrow" the most prominent of Oriental themes ( in my opinion) such a glorious state of being to wrap your soul in a shroud of impenetrable sadness, looking with dead eyes on a dying world, finally feeling that you can match the pace of life as it marches to the grave. Watching with wry amusement as the creatures around you scurry and strive to keep some order in the world, finally feeling connected to all the strangers as you realize we all have death in common. All around us all the time the world is quieting. Fox and wild turkeys are venturing from the brood, teens in the human sense out to find their place in the world no longer cry out in their youthful excess, instead creep silently into the lands of violence and danger. I'm sure glad I'm at work today.

Brown eyed girl revisited, I have such strong memories about this person that so far I have not been satisfied with my attempts to describe her. In H.S. I had a friend who was a girl. We dated briefly, made out a few times, but never got serious. I think I probably got too emotionally invested which scared her a little. We never really fought though and ended in friendship, something I haven't managed with many people I've dated. She was an Italian girl with long thick blackish brown hair, and deep brown eyes. Her eyes reflected her emotions so vividly, it seemed you never had to look at the rest of her face to see how she felt. I liked to though, she had a classic face with no imperfections, full lips that drew back into beautiful stunning smiles. She was almost a "new waver" but more active almost tom-boyish. She was a bit of a hippy, but still prone to be violent in a half kidding way.
I knew her for a while but we did not actually talk or anything until one night at a local carnival, a friend and myself had acquired my very first pot. We smoked and were wandering euphoric when we ran into her and her friends. I normally was shy and quiet on first impression with everyone, then when I felt comfortable with someone I spontaneously shifted to high energy, mischievous, joking, open, friendly, etc... "Something" about this night was different, and I walked right up to her and started chattering away, pretty much ignoring everyone else. It was magic, we started hanging out, she was a brilliant guitar player and I used to sit and watch her play for hours. Cradling her guitar, her hair half tossed over her shoulder half hanging down hiding her face while she watched the frets. She was shy about her talent, but still played all the time, she would punch you if you complimented her too much, and when she was feeling good she always called me "kid" Odd choice, but she was the only one who ever did that, it was her style entirely. I googled her name and under the images section there actually appears to be a picture of her, a little older maybe, but small enough I can't be positive. We ran into each other a few times after, she always seemed happy to see me, a great no maintenance friendship. One of the good kinds where whenever you see each other you still feel comfortable just stopping and talking about everything right on the spot. I don't have a lot of that, maybe it was just a gift she had for making me that comfortable. Maybe we just had the right mix of personality to complement each other. In any case, it would be good to see her again, find out what she's done, how she's been doing..

I dreamed of an old friend last night, not sure I was the best friend at the time. I feel sad about it so I sent him an e-mail to the last address I had for him. Time has changed me so much I can only imagine him. A note on a different friend, how come only one of us made it to or through college to success. Why can't the rest of us become in synch with the world. Too much dreaming? Too many hopes? I'd like to see my other friends succeed to great fame and riches and success, whatever they want. Not just so I can hit them up for money, I probably wouldn't. I already gave up on fitting in, besides doing the bare minimum to have my rent and food and liquor and recreation I don't strive for anything. I want things, comfort success pride self respect, but I don't strive for it, I feel out of synch with everyone I talk to and spend the rest of the time feeling very much socially awkward and slightly separated.
Well buddy here's to you:

Laughing grinning times
old friendships are remembered
Friends turn gray in tears

this weekend I went fishing for the first time since my Grandfather died. He was the last person I went fishing with and that was over 2 years ago. I became aware of how much I missed out on by avoiding him for the couple years I lived up here. I couldn't ID any of the fish I caught, he knew them all. I forgot how to tie a fisherman's knot. I don't know how to fish for muskie, or pike, or northerns. He knew almost everything about fishing. I was the only one who shared the interest with him, and I let him go without learning any of the wisdom he gained over his entire lifetime.

Granted he lived half the year in FL, and the other half up here, but during the here time I didn't make any effort to see him.

I met him for my birthday shortly after I moved up here he bought me lunch, and we barely talked I was so uncomfortable.

I spent some great time with him after my sister's wedding for a whole afternoon in SC. It made me sad to see how weak and sick he was. He bought me lunch, I felt guilty for letting him, but I didn't have any money. We drove around for the day and really talked, looking at buildings and antique stores.
I went fishing with him for 2 days in a row out on his boat, we finally made it past whatever was holding us apart. That summer he had the stroke and died about 1/2 year later.

Growing up he was always my favorite relative, i spent a summer with him alone when I was 12 and he had a HALO (medical brace that screwed into your head to hold your neck and shoulders immobile) he fixed his lawnmower so I could ride it then I promptly ran over his grapevines and some rhubarb.
When I was little he caught me stealing a soda from his fridge, proved it was fresh by how cold it was, then for the ffirst time in my life I was punished for something by him telling me he was ashamed of me. I almost died.
Enough of this..

Today is the last day like today will ever be. Actually the last few weeks have been a sort of high pressure mix of deadlines, and training. Someone from our office is leaving and they are not replacing her some we are all getting new duties, plus they are dragging in people from other departments to help fill the gaps. This whole time we are trying to teach the people inheriting things what they need to do, while having other people try to teach us. If this wasn't enough to do the BOSS has added a big drive to clean up all the little messes which are involved in these duties. These messes do not go away. They are inherent in the job. If I can manage to remove every problem before I lose the duties, I can almost guarantee (aside from a complete collapse in our customer base) the same problems will be back and multiplied since the people handling them have never done so before. The problem in the system of course is the customer themselves. Unless he (the BOSS) can make all the customers stand in line, never get confused, always pay whatever we say with no question... Yeah not going to happen.. But I'm off for the weekend after tonight until Tuesday and all the new divisions will be in effect on Monday so everyone has a whole day to troubleshoot and try to work out the bugs before I get back. I didn't plan this on purpose but it really works out. Almost everyone in my office is a panic explosion waiting to happen, so I imagine a lot of chatter, sniping maybe even some crying. Women in an office can be so cruel to each other, but that same cruelty seems to just slide by me.. Lesson? I don't care if miss too much perfume, or miss diets twice a month, or miss smokes 25 cigarettes a day during work, or miss must follow every period of the rules and smile at the same time no matter what before I break down quietly at home (yeah I got your number), think of me or say about me. Just leave me be, we'll have small talk and I won't think of you once I leave the front door of this office..

I had the strangest dream last night. ~~~~~
I woke up after dreaming I was madly in love with someone. My friend from grade school was there and as I was waking up he told me that the person I loved was dead. I completely freaked out on him beating him with a broomstick and sobbing and crying. He didn't fight back, he said he understood sometimes dreams could seem so real that in that waking moment all the emotions and feelings were as real to me as the rest of the world. I felt terrible for attacking him, but was still mad at him for telling me. I could not stop mourning the death even though I was awake and walking around. A few girls from high school I was friends with were there and trying to help me get over it. The kept making me talk about it so I would realize the person from my dream wasn't real. I couldn't stop being sad, I kept crying different friends showed up and kept hugging me, reassuring me. Part of me knew the truth but I was unable to break away from it.
After I really woke up I still felt sad but the feeling faded so quickly that I finally realized It was all a dream.
I came to work and wrote a poem about my eyes that was depressing. Today I feel cut off a little from reality.

Monday morning and I think I may have an ulcer. Not an exaggerated reference to the level of stress I feel. A real honest to goodness hole in the stomach ulcer. I took stuff this weekend I would have been better off not taking and spent all weekend hunched over as sharp throbs emanated from my stomach. Everything I ate I could feel reach a certain spot inside me and release waves of cramping sharp pain. Then gradually it went away, leaving just a slightly unsettled feeling. Then this morning as I got a little worked up over some stupid jerk on the phone I could feel my stomach roiling (a bubbling rolling feeling) then the pain started again.. Maybe stress has caught up with me. I'm no longer able to avoid the panic and anger and frustration that other people always seemed inundated with. Now I'm just like them, my laid back attitude no linger protecting me from my own cares and worries..
I talked to my father Thursday night. The last night free from pain though my face was a bit swollen, and I was slightly under the influence.. He called me on his way home from work which was about 10 my time- 11 his. He must have had some strong coffee, or lots of soda because for the first time I can ever recall he was chatty. We talked about the recent flooding and recipes and my job, my cousins just about everything. Talking right up until I assume his phone ran out of juice (cell phone) he had warned me the battery was low so I didn't try calling him back.. I don't think talking to him gave me any real revelations, or for that matter any problems or answers, but it was an enjoyable phone call regardless, and hopefully my
slight intoxication did not interfere..

Don't make me come over there! menace menace
I'm not very scary by type, unless you happen to be a spell checker..
I talked to my brother last night, he has 2 of the most beautiful little girls, he is such a hippie though I always wondered if he would spoil them. To my surprise though he is very firm with them, nd with the exception of the 1 year old can make his 4 year old mind him.. I guess he had to use a bar of soap on her once. the old Ivory bar ugh how terrible are those memories..
He now carries a small bar of soap with him in a little ziplock bag, but hasn't needed to use it since. He's turning into a kinder gentler Dad. Hee Hee.
He told me he just ran out of options, his neighbor's little girl has a foul mouth and a temper, he can actually see it rubbing off on her. He's actually going to be moving soo. My whole family has some sort of roots problem.. Must be that Navy childhood.

I have started to write in earnest. I am going to enter Bravo Channels write a sit-com contest. I hope that if they reject you they send out a notification. I hate not having any answer at all. I'm basing my characters on a few of my closer friends. Not our stories but their idiosyncrasies (I think)
It would be nice to win. The winner gets a free agent for a year and $25k. I figure I just want the free agent to take my poetry compilations to different publishers and sell it for me. I'm too cowardly to try to get my own work published, stories and prose I don't mind but my poetry is my soul..
My sister is happy to be out of her marriage, she is not divorced but she is glad to live by herself. It was scary according to my mom that her husband didn't seem to mind at all. He was a little too laid back for a man who just lost his wife and two kids. He makes me a little nervous..
I have started a separate blog with just stories both true and fiction. I won't disclose which is which, hopefully no one will be able to tell the difference.