My father was brought down, down to my size.
I've had him in my head, screaming from my past.
I kept him from my heart, held him in shadow.
Now the monster died, regret taints my every memory
.He's not the same man I knew, I'm not the same I know.
The anger festers though, seething too close to the skin.

My father was brought down, down to my size.
The memories of his glare, the snap and snarl of teeth.
The frustration madness, stomping screaming, bitter tears.
The rage, this temper I have inherited,I still lay blame.
I can't stop being him, exploding, unable to apologize.
Lurking inside me I feel it, waiting for any mistake.

My father was brought down, down to my size.
Never a hero of mine, now we can't say what we mean.
Pregnant pauses, threading our talk of weather.
Now he's ill and I'm concerned, almost against my will.
He won't ask for any help or even mention, I won't offer.
We are both shut out, as we try to include each other.

My father was brought down, down to my size.
It wasn't me, it was life, the world.
Now that I'm too much him, with so much less to lose.
Will I be brought down too, humbled lonely saddened.
I'm softer than he is or was, something I can respect.
The lessons I have learned, didn't teach me to expect this.

The company in an effort to keep it's remaining employees happy and productive have instituted a "Wellness" program. Instead of hiring the $8-$9 per hour office assistants to alleviate the burden we feel do to an increase in job abandonment, in conjunction with our current hiring freeze. Starting today a massuese is available for employee use at a cost for $10 for a 15 minute session. The balance of the cost will be paid by the company, and employees must use their break or lunch time to participate. Due to an overflow of requests, the company has expanded a once weekly visit to, 2 times weekly. I'm not an accountant but follow the math:
15 min massage at the mall $20-$30
For $20 company pays : $10 per session
for two 6 hour days at 15 min per session : 48 sessions
Cost per week :$480 per week

Being generous $9.00 ph employee 40 hrs :$360
Add 10% for insurance pd by co $396 per week

Granted hiring 1 employee would only allieviate the workload for possible 1-3 people so we would technically need 15-20 new employees to return to the same level we were last year at this time, and since sales are up this year.. Well I could go on all day, the main point of this. I asked one of our accountants how they felt after their massage, She said "It felt so good"
I asked someone else how she felt now, "Like taking a nap."
I asked someone else how do you feel about work, "I don't want to think about it."
Granted what a waste of time for me to ask all those people but you see my point. I would probably go to the massuese but I don't like people touching me except for sex, and some family hugs. I also will not pay someone to touch me, even for a massage. I can give FW massages, she can give me some. She doesn't even try anymore though, everytime I try to relax for even a shoulder rub from her we end up having sex. I can't help it, she touches me I want her. I'm sure this would not carry over to the 240 pound lady giving massages, but why on earth would I want to be rubbed without the benefit of a much happier ending.

I don't understand people, I was walking by two of them in the hall and one pretentious twit was saying how he was leaving our co to follow his dream to work in the medical pharmaceutical field helping discover blah blahOn and on, not horrible but yesterday they sent companywide Ememo that he had accepted a position with ********* as Safety Coordinator. That co is right across the street. It's the one that pays poor people to undertake studies for this or that drug. Medical experimentation YaY!!! It's not really a prestigious company, and it has a really bad reputation for kicking people out of the studies late in the game, thus shortening their payouts. The FW had gone there once and ended up spending 3 whole days getting physicalled and filling out forms only to be denied from the program, thus ineligible for any monetary reward. This might influence my opinion of the workplace, but back to the guy.. Did he read their mission statement and fall in love? Is he the perfect parrot for corporate processes? Did he forget he is no longer in the interview and forget to turn off his asskissing program? WTF-he took a higher paid job, or a better job, or a more fun job. If he was a doctor or a scientist I could understand the babble but he was a salesman, he rides the cash register in our factory showroom. He spends 2 hours a day out on the loading dock smoking and hitting on the C/S girls who do all seem to like him, but I've seen a few give him a strange look when his wife and 2yr old daughter show up at the office to pick him up at the end of the day. Maybe that's why he's leaving stuck his whoo whoo dilly in the wrong tallywacker and now he's gotta run...

Going camping this weekend, finally cool enough most of the bugs are dead. I can't wait to get away from everyone. I mean everyone!
Last night few saw Russell Crowe singing on TV, starry eyed she stared at the set, I decided to take a shower, something fired her up next thing I know she was in there with me. Whoo Hoo! I personally don't care who starts the car, but I'm the only driver..
Went to bed angry though, we were talking and something came on she wanted to see so without a word to me she just cranked the volume and turned away. Grrr We weren't talking about anything interesting, but how rude...
So I says "WTF?"
She says "huh?"
I say "Is our conversation over?"
She says " I wanted to hear this"
I say "Next time fuckin tell me to hold on, or excuse me or something"
only memorable because usually I would have ignored such an incident, but I was feeling rather thin skinned last night, culmination of too much work and then spending 2-4 hrs after work every night at FMIL's trying to repair that house. Now I'm in a bad spot, I lost my temper so I should apologize, but she was rude so she should, but she won't apologize for being rude unless I apologize for losing my temper which in her head is obviously the greater crime. So whenever something like this happens I have two responses, I say something like this
"Ok I'm sorry for snapping at you, but that was rude." or
I just wait while she gets all moody and quiet, which she will carry on for 2-3 days entirely ruining the weekend, because every once in a while when she gives me that stiff silence I'll say
"What!?"
"Nothing." she replies, possibly sighing quietly.
"Then don't look at me like that." Being tactful and calm...
"Like what?" she gets ready to launch into full fight mode.
"If you have a problem say something, if not don't ruin my weekend." I give her the glare that she hates. The one I inherited from my father that makes me look evil.
tears
rinse
repeat.
So in order to enjoy my weekend I have to apologize. GRRR
Well I have all day to come to terms with it, or decide to fight. I hate relationships.

Well, now I know. I always thought I was brroding and deeply insightful.. Must be the liquor talking..

What Kind of Drunk Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Ha ha
Can't get me... Your Kung Fu is weak...
Too much fun when people proclaim you wrong publicly before really checking the nuts and bolts of your procedure. Busted nyah nyah nyah
Ok gloating is also not so good, but I hate people questioning my work. I even hate my boss to question my work and that's his job.. So I can take when I have to, and I almost don't mind when it turns out something I did is incorrect, but I absolutely hate it when I'm right and I know I am and can walk right to the correct section of the SOP manual and point out a line that clearly outlines the exact procedure I do. I'm not saying I follow the manual, because I don't I'm lazy as hell, and the only reason I work is to get paid, and waste time until the weekend. I do know the procedures though. It makes it easier to cut corners and to defend my work from feeble minded co-workers.
Her problem is boss just made her senior member of the department, she took that acknowledgement without a change in title or pay, simply a recognition of seniority.
I guess that's why he didn't offer it to me. I wouldn't do it without more money. Period.
The whole company supports an international charity. Each year they do little activities and wear a hat to work day for $1 to support it, which I think is not a bad Idea. I don't want to spend a dollar I don't wear a hat. Fair's fair. Unfortunately they cross the line by holding 3 separate pep rallies where you can go if you want and they try to talk you into making a donation of at least 1% of your salary. I work by the hour and get paid very little for what I do, I do not need to be solicited at work to give away some of my money which I just got from the company. I'm good enough at spending it myself, thank you. Today my boss, and the VP of finance (the next boss up in the chain) have both asked me which meeting I'm planning on attending. Of course I blew up my corporate track by snorting a sarcastic laugh and saying "Neither" Oh well no bonuses for me this year, maybe they'll take it and give it to the charity in my name.. I just calculated 1% of my salary requires me to work 20.8 hours to pay off. Or 13.9 hours of overtime. I suppose that's the same for everybody just the $ amount changes..I think they are cheering in the pep rally right now. What I wouldn't give for a pumpsprayer full of gasoline right now....

Last night I arrive home to find the neighbor has thoughtfully fixed the screens in future MIL's house. To bad when you close the screen door the impact of it shutting has popped the mesh right off. Too bad that frame and the frame on the back door which he did for the last lady who lived there are bent beyond repair. Too bad no one ever taught this man how to think. Worse, she paid him for the material and will not ask for the money back, because she never asked him to do it in the first place, and he never asked for any money. Seems moron is a laid off gas station attendant??? He thinks himself quite the handy man however, and being 60-ish to 70ish is exempt from any physical pain I might wish to rain down on his tinkering head. So today after work I will be stopping and purchasing more screen, because the sections he cut are almost an inch to short on each side, hence the bent frames. I told FMIL to tell him to fuck off, but of course she won't so I asked FW (future wife) to use her best nursing home voice and explain that We don't want him to interfere with FMIL's house anymore. If he does then I get to talk to him, and I will say simply. "If you attempt to repair anything else in her (FMIL) house I will drag you into court to pay damages on everything you've broken or ruined so far." Not a bad way to go, though I would prefer to go over with my ball peen hammer "Yo fucko! You touch that fuckin' house again I'm gonna come ova' and fix you!" accentuated with pokes in the chest from a 12oz ball peen hammer. I'll even drag out the South Jersey accent which I tried to illustrate above. Or I could go redneck: "Iffen you touch my ma's trailer one more time you no good sombitch. I'm gonna break you into 15 pieces and feed you to my dog."

I've been doing a lot of home improvement on the weekends, I don't have my own home but thanks to numerous friends and relatives I do have enough homes to work on. I've always been more interested in working with my hands than able to. Now It seems there is an unceasing demand for my labor, most notably from relatives. My way too reasonable prices probably are driving the market, but I actually do seem to be accomplishing quite a bit. My prices of course are the usual, beer and food. What I won't do for relatives... I'm picking up a wide variety of different skills though, and having an easier time talking to my male relatives who both have worked in home construction at one time or another. I know the names of almost all the tools I own and can use them all. Whoo hoo, almost a real man Gepetto...
Anyway after finishing up a bathroom project for my future mother in law, she called to tell me she had shown her bathroom to over 5 different neighbors and 3 of them want me to do the same to their bathrooms. Problem is I don't have a clue what would be reasonable to charge. Since hers was the first bathroom I've done like this it took me three 6-8 hour days to finish. But now that I know how to apply the different trims and wall boards I'm pretty sure I could finish a normal sized bathroom in 1 day (6 hours).
We'll have to see what kind of offers they make, and if indeed they are serious, we'll then have to see if I really can do it...

I have definitely been lax on my own writing. Getting lazy and just letting it slide. A subtle reminder yesterday as I was raking the shelves in the used book store and came to a rack of books which were a dollar. Not a dollar used though. Dollar brand new. Huh- I leafed through a couple and definitely not worth a dollar. Hardly worth picking up, yet how can I criticize? How many books have I published? Or even completed?
So as a consumer I turned my nose up, as a prospective writer I first felt a little jealous, but as I considered it I realized what a shame it is that these other authors would be so desperate to be published they would let such low grade writing be put in the public. It's unmemorable surely, but if they go to a serious publisher and cite this book as an example of previously published writing they're sunk, tanked, shot in the foot. Do you suppose they had second thoughts after they saw it in print? Did the fact that the publisher didn't even offer a hardcover version not faze them? Did they sell the story without thinking and lose any control? Did they get paid for that story?
I worry that someday that might be the only way I'll ever see my work in print. That all those journals and notebooks stacked under my bed will offer nothing greater than a few stories or poems that sound co-written by first year high school creative writing students. Have I improved since then. I think so, but maybe like the authors of dollar books I've just started to delude myself. Begun to see something that wasn't there. It's too early in the day to continue on this branch.

I'm not a damn hippie. filthy little hippies set me up..

20 Questions to a Better Personality
Wackiness: 46/100
Rationality: 30/100
Constructiveness: 54/100
Leadership: 46/100

You are a SECF--Sober Emotional Constructive Follower. This makes you a Hippie.You are passionate about your causes and steadfast in your commitments. Once you've made up your mind, no one can convince you otherwise. Your politics are left-leaning, and your lifestyle choices decidedly temperate and chaste.You do tremendous work when focused, but usually you operate somewhat distracted. You blow hot and cold, and while you normally endeavor on the side of goodness and truth, you have a massive mean streak which is not to be taken lightly. You don't get mad, you get even.Please don't get even with this web site.Of the 25152 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 10.9 % are this type.

Ok that's what I get for trying too hard.. I shouldn't write poetry online anyway, It doesn't leave a solid record.. That'll teach me. Welcome to the flip flop..

Last night was a great night, and I wrote up a great description of It and I was happy. Then When I hit publish this stupid fucking blog made it fucking dissappear and I'm too pissed off to rewrite it. t's ridiculous that I could let a computer affect my entire mood like this.54jhenpi

When I was 13, my friend John had a birthday party at the mall. That's what his parents thought anyway, instead John Dave and I spent the entire rainy day at the mall kicking up trouble. All I remember us doing however was walking to a nearby gas station to buy smokes. The rest a blur, I do have a picture of us in one of those booths. My face pimpled long-ish hair combed in a not so greasy DA, Dave curly black hair, and a big black cowboy hat with a hint of a chin showing in the shadow that was John. Such a sinister picture when he died a few years later. It's the only picture I ever had of him, and he had to wear that damn cowboy hat in it.
I'm sure the whole car ride home I reeked of cigarettes, my father gritting his teeth in ominous silence, I could feel the tension building the entire drive. He never looked at me or even slightly turned towards me. The radio shut off, the vents not blowing just sounds from the street and the car and my dads heavy breathing. When we got home he at me to "come here" right after I leapt out of the car, making a run for the bathroom. I yelled sorry I had to go to the bathroom and raced up the stairs.
My dad knew I smoked, and he hated it. He never ever caught me with cigarettes though. He never gave me any cash as soon as he started thinking I was smoking, but I used to shoplift them or get money from other places to buy them. That night I had 3 or four packs of smokes on me, and he thought he had me. I remember being panicked. I was trapped in the bathroom with them, I knew he was standing at the stairs glaring at the door, I'd have no chance to go anywhere else. I wrapped them and my lighter in a thin towel tied it in a knot and lowered it into the heater vent tucking just the corner of the towel under the register cover. It was perfect you couldn't even tell it was blocked. I strolled out all innocent and smiling right smack into my dad who had followed me upstairs and was standing in the doorway.
My legs were all jelly and I was trying very hard not to look terrified. My father had a weird sense of rules. If he couldn't prove you were doing wrong he couldn't punish you, but if he found something he turned insane. Couldn't control his temper, worse if he found out you had lied to him, like I had millions of times about smoking. He pointed at the stairs and growled sit there don't move. and stormed the bathroom. He tore through it for over an hour checking and rechecking, even going outside and checking the yard and the roof before he gave up. The entire time I sat on the step, then when he got done looking he sat down in the living room. I knew what he wanted, he wanted me to leave the step so he'd have a reason to punish me. One creak of that step and he would have charged out yelling. I sat there for hours, through dinner, even past bedtime for my younger siblings. Dad didn't come out in the hallway, if he saw me he'd have to deal with me or I would ask him if it was ok to move, and he'd have to answer. My mother eventually went to bed too, stopping to touch my face and give me a sad look. She knew I would always buck my Dad. My brothers would have gone to dinner breaking the command and just taken the yelling rather than waiting. I never would, I hated how transparent he was at those times with his temper roiling and flaring so close to breaking out. I waited and waited until finally around 10:30 he came up to bed and then he let me go to bed. Questions: Was I a coward for not letting him punish me, and get it over with? Did I build up the tension between us so much I had to be righteously indignant over every suspicion or risk punishment for everything?
Living with my Dad encouraged the lie, his punishments were so severe, that getting "caught" doing anything was terrifying. We had to lie to survive and when he found out our lies we tried to take it. It only taught us next time be more careful, don't get caught, don't slip up. Don't poke the bear.

Day two week from hell, thank god there's only 3 days this week. Unfortunate me went home to find we were dogsitting, the offenders not showing up to pick up their wiener dog until 9:30. Hate that dog. Too cute and helpless looking to despise properly. To small weak yappy to enjoy spending time with. I practiced my glare though, and can make the dog roll onto his back and whimper quietly from up to 5 feet. Then again the dog is about the size of my boot, and I've almost stepped on him several times.
Today 4 people leave before noon?? WTF! Who's approving these schedules? So after noon there's me and 2 people who don't even do the same kind of work as myself and couldn't help me if they wanted to. I hate talking about work so I'm going to stop.

Just back from a long weekend to find that nearly everybody in the department decided to take a few days off for the remainder of this week. Probably retaliation for me taking yesterday as an extra day, but since I only work 4 days a week on holiday weeks I also get a day off. So live with it.
I guess though since they aren't here I'm the one who gets to deal with it, because I don't exactly have anyone to complain to. Even if it would do any good. I can be sure however the added stress of us being extra shorthanded this week will no doubt encourage little miss smokes too much to continue to pursue a new career. She's one foot out the door already, thinks it's a marvelous secret but she told the wrong gossip.. So it's no secret anymore.
On a different note. Myself and my significant other had a very active sexual day, and either she is sore, or just completely happy because for the rest of the weekend (the last 2 days) no lovemaking, sex, or raunchy kink. Despite the fact that by the numbers I'm probably ahead of where I would be on a normal weekend, I am feeling deprived and a bit shaky horny today. Unfortunately I'm too busy to think that much about it so it will probably drive me nuts distracting me throughout the day, I'll probably text her something nasty later hopefully to lock down some passion fort tonight..