I' m pissed right now. Bruce springsteen is downtown right
now singing on the capital steps standing next to him John Kerry.
Hanging on the wall of a nearby building a giant sign that says
"Wisconsin is Kerry Country"
Well its' not.
It's bush country
but not George W Bush,
B-U-S-C-H Country!
Comes in a 12 ounce can with pictures of mountains we don't have in Wisconsin
gets rednecks drunk after 12 or so.
I'm so sick of Madison, It's the most political place I've ever lived and I can't even take a break away from my desk without some jackass in the office wanting to talk about the election. I've decided to vote this year and I'm writing in R. Lee Ermey (drill sergeant from full metal jacket) as my candidate. He may be a horrible president but I bet it would be funny when he made the liberals cry and the republicans exercise..
Ok enough politics from me. It's not natural I'm not good at it. This is the first election for me that seemed to matter, that I've been taking seriously and giving thought to. I never took political science I don't remember a damn thing from civics, or social studies that ever went beyond explaining the 3 branches of the government. All I see are a bunch or rich people trying to prove they understand me so I'll pick them.
Is it worth voting for a third party? Will it do any good other than to declare to myself that I chose the right person for me?
Or do I have to choose one of these two candidates preselected for me? Try to figure which one will do the least harm? Which one will turn the country down a road that might one day lead me to approve of a presidential candidate?
Does my vote even count as much as I'm obsessing about it?
positively verbose this afternoon, mayhaps the 3 cups of tea today have accelerated my babbler...

Last night I was feeling Gin Dandy this morning I felt Damn Ginny. right now I'm considering going out for more martinis!
Martini, tal caramelo líquido frío del hielo maravilloso!
"Martini, such wonderful ice cold liquid candy!"

My search for a new job is going slowly. For the first time I have the luxury of liking my current job enough that it's not a crisis. I am tired of it though, my move out into the country has added 40 miles to my commute, and once winter hits I don't think I'll enjoy driving that far in the snow. I've been in 5 or six accidents, only two of which I was driving and only one of them was y fault, but I'm paranoid about being hit by someone else's car. I hate tailgaters. Twice I've gradually come to a complete stop trapping the offender behind me. The first one was a middle aged woman, she looked petrified in the mirror so I didn't get out of the car. After a second or two (I'm sure it felt longer for her) I pulled to the right and waved her past. She didn't flip me off or anything so she must have realized she was in the wrong. The second time a little dude- prob a high school kid popped out of his car and was fast stepping it up to my door so I stepped out. I might have wanted to fight a little bit because I said "Just apologize, I'll let you go around"
"Fuck you man!" He was twitching the way little people do when they're working themselves up to fighting. Then he spun around ran back to his car and took off driving all the away off the shoulder to go around me, of course flipping me off as he went by. I started driving again and then I realized why this was a bad Idea he kept speeding up then slamming on his brakes in front of me. We were going like 20 up this 55mph country highway, and my little Subaru doesn't do off road so I had nothing to do but give him the finger and honk my horn. So I didn't. I rolled down my windows cranked up white zombies astro-creep and head banged along behind him until he got bored and drove off.. I'm such a wus sometimes, I'm not even good at road rage. I'm finally big enough to make it a good fight, and all the loudmouth shitheads don't want to scrap.. Bastards..Which reminds me when my little sister and I were boxing outside my apartment in Phoenix and the neighbor called the cops. She was winning too, because I wouldn't punch her in the face (she is a girl) and she didn't have any similar restraint. Ha happy memory..

Today is my birthday and in reverse of how I've been feeling all week I feel kind of light and giddy. Today is passing relatively quickly, which is good because I'm at work, bad because this mood was not made to last. I'm thinking about a memoir book called "How to consistently pick the wrong girlfriends" or "psycho's are us" Why do good girls stalk me when it ends, and why do bad girls fight with me so much? I signed up for the 30 day blogging novel, but I'm spending all my time on this ex girlfriend list, so maybe I'll remove myself from that. FW called me today and asked "why did you get lipstick in the mail?"
"I said why are you checking my mail?"
Of course the fed ex package was accidentally opened before she noticed it was addressed to me. Actually I don't even mind, usually when she's home if a package gets there I have her open it and tell me about it on the phone. I'm like a Christmas, birthday present voyeur, always more interested in someone else's reaction to what's in the package. I still haven't told her why, but if she stopped to read mailing label she would see it was from the same costume co that I got most of my costume from. That and the fact that it's midnight black lipstick, Halloween is less than 2 weeks away, she's never seen me wear lipstick aside from the Halloween contest... Well she should be able to figure it out..

Why does it bother me so much that my dad apologized for something he did in my childhood? Something minor, but still a funny story I've told at parties and just for fun. Was it because he was so sincere? Because I never expected him to apologize at all? For anything? Maybe the fact that the hundreds of other issues that lay festering in me were not addressed. Maybe because he only realized how I felt about it because I told the story to him this time. What other lapses of memory does that mind of his hold. My own is a Lorraine Swiss of tiny holes, filled sporadically by random association. Not always unpleasant what filled those holes, not even with him. I was reminded of another great time we had, so I told that story next, a little unnerved by his public apology, out loud, but serious meeting my eyes forcing me to acknowledge it. Why? Why did I try to make him feel better? Has the monster become so fragile that after all we've fought through I'm worried about injuring him? He made an effort of joking about why I was never smiling in the pictures taken of me. Even in places where everyone but myself wore sickening self satisfied delighted joyful smiles. He tried to say I hated the camera, but in every picture he was involved somehow, and a look passed between us that that was the real reason. I didn't speak it though. We have such a tenuous friendship, one visit per year by phone or at a wedding. I've gone to his house 1 time since I left the state when I was 18. Over 10 years, he visited me 1x in the same period. I skipped his second wedding in favor of my friends graduation party. Not in protest of the new wife, I approve of her. I couldn't consider going there for him and pretending we were family in truth, that was before our reconciliation. I skipped my mother's also same year, on purpose to send the message I had no favorites, but I'm wrong in both situations. They both took it in stride, nothing odd, or out of the ordinary for their second oldest.
We are so alike it makes me ill sometimes, but at the same time I still want that spark of fatherly approval to light his eyes. Do I over analyze? Doesn't such a rare thing deserve the time I've spent probing for jagged points on this new memory?
I feel vulnerable right now, I cannot feel comfortable with that, but so far I can't seem to close up on these feelings.

My father's coming to my house today. First time ever coming to a place I lived since I shared his house when I was 15. We've seen each other at all the family events, even manage to have interesting phone conversations once or twice a year, but he's never been in my space before. I already feel awkward and he won't show up for another 10 hours. This year he was real sick, spent some time in a hospital, and according to his wife did not have the strength, or energy to use his weed trimmer this year. Makes me scared that now he's stopping in to see me. Is he on his last legs? A farewell tour? My next youngest brother told me he had a good conversation with my dad also. he lives right up the street and sees him pretty often though. Change happens, I don't regret it or fear it, at least I try not to. He's just barely over 50 though, too young to be sick for an eagle scout who never smoked or drank to excess...

You know what I really hate about offices..
I just worked out a new procedure for something relatively small between us and another department. I spent 15 min discussing it with my boss and ironing out any sections that could offend someone important from anywhere else. I type up a concise, detailed plan of action, which actually is going to remove 2-5 steps of work for every person involved...
and then...
And then!!!
The stupid jerks who I just copied out of politeness, have to jump in with a slew of emails, "How does this affect this? it doesn't. How does this work on Tuesdays? The same as Mondays A-hole.
I know damn well they just can't stand an interdepartmental e-mail going by them without their name stamped on it somewhere. Just in case someone important sees it, so they can be impressed at how "on top of things" they are.
Stupid Fockers
I am so not cut out for the corporate lifestyle. I can't bend over far enough to let THEM really lay into me, so I'll probably never climb higher than non consequential desk jockey.

I spent all weekend re-covering bathroom walls in FMIL's new trailer's bathroom. I actually didn't mind doing it, a chance to flex my fix it muscles, and actually do some work that has an appreciable finish. I worked over 8 hrs on Sat and finished up in a record 9 hours sunday. I'm fairly handy, but after this insane project next time I will just be painting or wallpapering. What I actually did was to sheath all the walls with painted/ patterned board that FW fwll in love with. Now that it's up it looks pretty good, but all the seams and corners had to be covered with special types of trim. I'm glad to say it's done and the experience it has given me proves it's not worth doing. Granted it's a 2 room bathroom vanity / bathroom, but it would have been faster and easier to remove every wall of both rooms entirely and replace them. Add to the headache replacing the shower / tub faucets and hardware (since I was in there anyway) replacing a ceiling exhaust fan... I was glad to have yesterday off to relax, but today I'm still tired. At least I'm almost done fixing FMIL's house, she just moved in and the last owner was wrecked the place. I just have a few windows to replace..
So the score stands at;
repainted 4 rooms, kitchen, and bathroom
covered new paint job with sheath board in bathroom
replaced 8 electrical outlest that were painted shut
fixed one screen door screen
replaced exhaust fan
replaced trim in 2 bedrooms
hung shelves in two bedrooms
assembled and installed bathroom cupboard
installed new Gas range
installed dryer vent
added threshold for front screen door

It doesn't sound like as much work as it was for me to do. I'm just learning though, and if I had to do all these things again I could probably finish them in just one weekend(maybe not the painting.) instead of two weekends and seven 1to2 hour nights after work..

Thanks, Johnnie Walker, This doesn't seem good... Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday, and here as we breach the wall into October I start my spin into Halloween!! Yippeee!
I am making my own mask this year, I downloaded tons of instructions and tonight me and FW are going to make a mold of my face. I'm going to skillfully (we'll see) mold some sort of demonic or weird new likeness onto my face mold, then recast it and make it out of latex bits that will then be painted and glued to my face. Easy huh?
So I imagine for the next couple weeks I will grunt and swear and realize yet again why I did not become a sculptist?? Anyway..
FW has a black and purple velvet victorian/goth outfit I bought for her 2 years ago, A laced long dress with extra long sleeves and a black velvet cape w/ hood. Long black gloves, shiny black boots, and a mask. Every year so far a different feathered mask, unspeakably lovely. With the remainder of her face done a pale white with dark full red lips. I should stop before I get embarrassed here at work. I on the other hand have not been quite so low maintenance. My costume last year only ran $150, the year before it was over $300. I just have to be scary and menacing and realistic. No cheezy vampires or monsters for me, and up to this year I have paid top money for real leather costumes and accessories. The masks alone..So this year decided to make my own, hopefully I'll be scary. I already spotted the outfit, so I'm safely under the $100 limit I set this year.
My biggest problem though has always been naming what I dressed as, last year a skeletal barbarian king?? quite a mouthful after a night of drinking. By 1 o'clock i was just "Something fuckin' scary" By 2 I was "scary" by three me and FW were in a screaming match because girls kept coming up to me in the club and rubbing my armor. Well a man strapped in leather and metal spikes attracts a certain type of woman.. This year depending on my sculpting skills I will be a demonic scary person who's really tall with a dark flowing manly yet elegant outfit that will try his best to scare children before going out dancing for the night" Whoo hoo! Then again I have all month to change my mind and see if I can still wear the superman costume from 4 years ago.. In that case how revealing the spandex is, is the true horror...